Why Breaking Up on Good Terms Can Be More Painful Than a Messy Split - VICE

There’s no one to be furious at after an amicable breakup, and that’s almost worse. No cheating, no spectacular betrayal. You still think your ex is a great person, and you’d really prefer to hate them for a little while.

And when the relationship was actually good, you’re mourning much more than the person. Research on breakups has found that when a partner introduces you to new interests and experiences, you can feel like you’ve lost something about yourself when they’re gone. Psychologist Gary Lewandowski has also found that people leaving unhappy relationships sometimes experience the opposite. They feel relieved, rediscover old interests, and enjoy having their lives back.

Psychologist Erica Slotter and her colleagues studied what happens to people’s identities after a breakup. Couples spend years building a life together, from shared friends and favorite restaurants to the stupid little routines that become second nature. When the relationship ends, people can struggle to figure out who they are without the other person. The researchers found that this uncertainty was associated with greater emotional distress. And there’s something very painful about losing a life you actually liked.

Staying friends sounds like the mature thing to do, especially when neither person has done anything horrible. But Oakland University researchers found that some people maintain friendships with exes because they still have romantic feelings. Those friendships can also be more tense than friendships with people they never dated.

Getting coffee with your ex doesn’t sound like a big deal when you ended things on good terms. Then you spend the next four days thinking about something they said and trying to figure out if they meant anything by it.

You can still care about your ex without knowing what they’re doing every weekend. Relationship coach Cosmina Naum told Body+Soul that “there’s no magic number of days that guarantees emotional detachment.” Taking a break from texting or seeing their Instagram posts could give you a chance to stop wondering what they’re up to.

Lewandowski has also written about how people can rediscover themselves after a relationship ends. You might start spending time with friends you haven’t seen much lately, pick up something you used to enjoy, or book that trip your ex had absolutely no interest in taking. Having a life that doesn’t revolve around your former partner gives you something to look forward to that has nothing to do with whether they’ll come back.

You can miss your ex, still think they’re a great person, and have absolutely no interest in getting back together. Getting to that point takes time, though, and keeping tabs on their Instagram probably isn’t helping. Their dog is adorable. You don’t need to like every picture.