Now that Democrats won, let's make the GOP's fears come true | Opinion - USA Today
You remember all that Republican fearmongering over wokeness, and the tall tales of how Democrats are going to turn everyone into a communist and create 17 different genders and ... you know ... give people access to affordable health care?
Well, guess what, suckers? IT WAS ALL TRUE!
In the wake of a historic midterm election blue wave that swept Republicans out of power in both houses of Congress and showed President Donald Trump he’s less popular than scabies, wokeness is officially back.
That means we're doing all the things that terrify Republicans. Things like not ripping immigrant children away from their families, ending a Middle East war that caused gas prices to skyrocket and embracing people's differences – the horrors!
All corporate leaders who bent the knee to Trump must report to mandatory diversity, equity and inclusion training sessions first thing tomorrow morning, and they darn well better have pronouns back in their email signature blocks by then.
The grand Republican experiment of beating down progressivism and cruelly pretending diversity isn’t a thing ended with a thud Nov. 3, as Americans got a look at widespread right-wing jerk-ism and democratically responded with a thunderous, “Oh, hell no.”
Human Rights Campaign President Kelley Robinson said in a statement: “In a historic rebuke, voters didn’t just reject LGBTQ+ hate, they have elected a historic number of LGBTQ+ elected officials. Chris Pappas is the first-ever out gay man elected to the U.S. Senate, and JoAnna Mendoza, Cait Conley and Jeremy Moss will join Sarah McBride, who won by a huge margin, in the U.S. House – and that’s just the start. Virginia reaffirmed that love is love. Missouri rejected an anti-trans, anti-abortion ballot measure. And we are seeing victories up and down the ballot across the country.”
That’s right, guy with the “My Pronouns Are ULTRA MAGA” T-shirt. We’re riding a rainbow wave over to toss some basic grammatical decency IN YOUR FACE!
And we're also going to work to lower grocery prices and make sure our food supply is being properly inspected. Get triggered!
It’s a new dawn in America, folks. Everybody will get personally vaccinated by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the U.S. Supreme Court will be replaced by a coven of witches, all your children must become vegans, and Trump’s planned Triumphal Arch will now be an unusually shaped food pantry and community center.
And say goodbye to your precious ballroom, President Weirdo. We’re turning that into a sprawling space where all the rich people’s money gets divided up and redistributed to the masses.
And we’re melting down the gold you plastered all over the White House and selling it to pay for a steel sign that reads, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” (It will be mounted above the faces of the presidents on Mount Rushmore.)
This year’s Starbucks HOLIDAY cups – that’s right, I said “holiday,” what are you gonna do about it? – will be pure black. Every product at Target will have a rainbow on it. And at long, long last, there will be a taco truck on every corner.
Buckle up, Fox News viewers and others who believe everything that bubbles up from the right-wing media fever swamps. The libs are comin’ for ya.
And we’re prepared to ruthlessly enact legislation that will make life better for working Americans. And politely discuss your two years of macro aggressions in group meetings in which we force you to drink soy matcha lattes and accept that this big, beautiful, diverse, determined country never was and never will be all about you.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.
