I had a surprise third pregnancy — with twins — and now my husband and I are in chaos. Help! Ask Lisi - Toronto Star

And Lisi advises a reader dealing with a surprise pregnancy with twins.

Q My college roommate is quite bright, spends much of her free time studying, and does well academically. We are in a similar program, so we have some overlapping classes. If I need help with something or suggest studying together, she seems to be amenable, and we can get a lot of work done.

However, often I’ll ask her something I don’t understand, and she is incapable of explaining it to me. Sometimes she’ll speak in vague comments, which don’t explain the concept, or she’ll just say it’s too hard to explain. But if she asks me something, I do my best to explain it to her in ways that she can understand, like how we were taught.

Why is there such a discrepancy between her capability and her ability to teach me what she knows?

A Everyone’s brain is wired differently. The way we hear, the way we see, the way we smell. A teacher (or professor) can stand at the front of the classroom and say something that might go in one of my ears and out the other, but the person sitting next to me has an a-ha moment with the information.

Clearly, she is understanding the concepts of what you’re learning because she can spit it out for any work and tests, garnering her good grades. But she’s unable to explain any of it to you.

Now you know, so don’t ask. Know her limitations and find someone else who speaks your language better.

Q When my husband and I married, I was desperate to have a baby. Fortunately, we were both quite fertile, and I had two babies in under two years. We were overwhelmed and exhausted! And we were happy with our small family unit. It felt manageable, financially and emotionally.

When our youngest was six, I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I were both surprised because, though we hadn’t taken many precautions, we hadn’t even had a scare in all those years. Neither of us was sure how we felt about expanding our family, and at our stage, it felt a bit like regressing. Back to diapers and nap time and pureed foods. But before we could settle into what we wanted, we found out the pregnancy was twins.

Now we are living in the chaos of the first six months of newborn twins, with two school-aged children who still need both parents and are feeling pushed aside. This is no longer manageable. Help!

A Well, it’s too late to give them back (just kidding!), but it’s not too late to rejig how you do all the things to incorporate the needs and wants of your family of six. In other words, whatever worked the first time around may not work this time. Even though your first two were very close in age and were undoubtedly both in diapers at the same time, they weren’t twins.

You, your husband, and anyone else involved in the day-to-day child care need to sit down (probably each with a twin in your arms) and take a good look at your daily schedules and your weekly and monthly calendars. School-aged children have a lot going on these days, from parent-teacher meetings to school projects to extracurricular activities and homework. As easy as it may have been to divide and conquer when your ratio was two-to-two, it’ll be twice as difficult now that you’re imbalanced.

Make a daily plan, a weekly plan, and a loose look at the month ahead. Organize and schedule as much as possible in advance. That will leave you the headspace for everything in between. Good luck!

FEEDBACK Regarding the dog and the six-year-old (Aug. 14):

Reader: “The writer mentioned the daughter was running down the hall to the indoor pool. We have children and dogs, so I understand she was excited to get to the pool. However, we’ve taught our children to be respectful at hotels. Absolutely no running in the halls, and always use a quiet voice. You never know who’s sleeping and when.

“Had the daughter been walking, I’m certain the dog wouldn’t have been caught off guard, and neither would she.”

FEEDBACK Regarding married and bored (Aug. 17):

Reader: “When the writer said, ‘I’m just not having the summer I wanted,’ I was looking for the part about friendships and outside interests and wondered why she has no friends and is counting on her children and her husband. Get a life! Make some friends, find an interest group, a hobby, some kind of outlet other than depending on her family to make summer fun.”

Lisi: There’s nothing wrong with wanting family time.

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Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca