Dear Vix: I wish I was the favourite sibling – but my parents like my brother more - The Independent

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I knew sibling rivalry existed, but is there a phrase to describe when your parents blatantly favour one child over the other? For me, that’s just life – I’ve always lived in my brother’s shadow. But now that we’re in our thirties, it’s really starting to grate.

Recently, my mum and dad “gifted” him a deposit for a flat he’s buying with his girlfriend – fine. I’m single and I still live in a houseshare, with no savings to put towards buying anywhere, so that doesn’t really apply to me. Plus, I don’t even know if I want to own a house! It’s not just means – it’s personal choice. So I get that – kind of. But when I asked them if they would help me out with some cash to take time off work to go travelling, instead (I want to take a sabbatical for six months because I’ve been working since I was 18 without a break), they said no.

I knew they preferred my brother, that’s been obvious for years – he’s always been the “sensible one” , the one with a proper life plan – but this feels so unfair. If they’re giving money away at all, then shouldn’t they be giving it to both of us? And if he wants to spend it on a mortgage and I don’t, isn’t that my decision to make and not theirs? It just feels like favouritism. He’s being rewarded for being boring, and I’m being punished for not having my s**t together. It’s not fair.

I can see why this looks like a cut-and-dried, clear case of favouritism. You feel put out because your parents appear to be judging your life choices: you want to travel and see the world and expand your horizons, but that isn’t being “rewarded” with a cash lump sum. Your brother, on the other hand, is choosing to build a nest and put down roots in a property – and your parents seem to think that fits the criteria for giving him a financial “gift”. It is off-balance, and I can see how it looks unfair. But I wonder if there’s something deeper going on.

I wonder if the way your parents have chosen to handle this situation actually tells us a lot about them, not you. And if it’s not actually about them playing favourites at all.

I have a feeling that your parents were taught when they were small – by their parents – that security, by way of owning property (which, as we all know, in the current climate is extremely difficult – if not outright impossible), is a natural “life goal”; along with other traditional markers of success such as getting engaged, getting married and having a baby. To them, putting down practical foundations for the future is probably a vital “step” and one that they understand. Much more than they would the idea of taking time off work to go travelling in your thirties.

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You’re bucking the norm – their norm – and they don’t quite know what to make of it. Simply put: you’re different to them. And that’s brave and exciting and makes you interesting and adventurous and worldly. It also makes you hard to define and to understand, at least where your parents are concerned.

It’s also a shame, because you aren’t being recognised for the efforts you’ve put in since you were 18 – you have been in the workforce and you’ve contributed. You have every right to take some time out now, for you.

But the fact that your parents don’t see it as “success” probably has a lot to do with the way in which their recognise their own life goals – not yours – and it differs in terms of what they see as “important”.

I have friends who have never married, never “settled down” and who spend their lives living and working and travelling overseas – and they are gloriously happy. I have other friends who have worked at the same place since they left school without any plans (or desire) to step outside that. They’re happy, too. Who’s right? Both of them.

As for how to handle this delicate situation, well, I’d say it’s time to sit down with your parents and talk about it. They don’t “owe” you or your brother money – that’s certainly something to bear in mind – so, I’d start off by asking them about their current situation (if they are happy to talk about it).

Are they are actively looking to split their assets? Are they thinking about inheritance tax – or are they downsizing? Are they hoping to put their money into something tangible – like a flat – with the idea that it will keep it safe? Have they explored all the alternative options (and have you)? Have they thought about investing in stocks and shares, or putting money away in an Isa? Is there a specific reason they’re thinking of moving money around right now, at their age?

If they do say that they’re looking to spread their wealth now that they’re older, simply ask them how they see the division working over the next few years. They might not have really thought about it, only that your brother has a “need” for a lump sum right now. I’d explain to them what you’ve explained here: that you’re not the same person as your brother, that you want different things, that may – or may not – include home ownership. I’d let them in a bit, to who you are and what drives you. Give them a flavour of why travelling the world after 12+ years of work means so much to you and what you’re going to do with it. How it will benefit you.

If they’re still not keen on giving you the same amount of money to spend on backpacking, keep the conversation open and the discussion alive and try to think of a compromise: could you agree on a smaller sum? Could you show them your research on investments, and how you’re going to put the money into shares or an Isa – and only take a small percentage out to travel with, while the money stays safe and (hopefully) continues to grow?

What I think will ease your parents’ worries is knowing that you’ve thought about it – that you have a plan. Let’s give them one.

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